In our inaugural issue, we learned why women need friends to thrive. Now, we explore why it’s sometimes so hard to find them in the office—and how we can change that.
In this issue, let’s continue our exploration of female relationships and their benefits, supported by research in the fields of psychology and medicine. A question arises: If we gain so much from having close ties with other women, why do we often struggle to create and maintain these close friendships and supportive colleague relationships?
In work settings, a common narrative suggests that women can be very competitive or even mean to each other. In my private practice, I often talk to women who report being talked down to, bullied, and even “stabbed in the back” by their female co-workers and bosses. Why is it that in a workforce that is often male-dominated, we tear each other down instead of helping to lift each other up?
After spending some time thinking about this topic and reviewing relevant literature, I realize that it is not that women are naturally meaner or more competitive. Unlike men, women tend to use indirect ways to communicate and compete. Instead of raising their voices or fighting directly, women are more likely to spread rumors, ignore someone’s ideas, or give the cold shoulder. These behaviors are called “relational aggression.”
From an early age, girls are often compared to and pitted against other girls, based on their appearance, popularity, and achievement. In workplaces where women’s success gets extra attention, it can create fear or jealousy. Some people react to this by putting others down quietly instead of competing openly and fairly.
Additionally, in jobs where few women are bosses, some senior women might not mentor younger women or even hold them back from advancing. However, this often happens because they feel threatened or have to fit into a “man’s world” to survive and get ahead. This behavior is more about protecting themselves than hurting others. In many jobs, only a few women reach high positions. Therefore, it can feel as if there is only room for one or two “successful women.” This makes some feel like another woman’s win means their own loss.
The bottom line here is that women are not born competitive or mean toward each other. These dynamics are often created by our societies and workplaces that still favor men, old stereotypes about how girls “should” behave, and feeling that opportunities are scarce. Additionally, the narrative of women being super competitive or unable to get along is overstated and biased. Research shows that women form strong workplace friendships, prefer collaborating with other women when possible, and can thrive in female-majority teams.
I want to encourage women to support, mentor, and empower each other. There is strength in numbers, even when opportunities for advancement or leadership are limited. If we see each other as allies instead of enemies, we can help each other succeed, all while making our time spent at work more pleasant and enjoyable.
Source:
- Derks, B., Van Laar, C., & Ellemers, N. (2016). The queen bee phenomenon: Why women leaders distance themselves from junior women. The Leadership Quarterly, 27(3), 456–469. Read article
- Gabriel, A. S., et al. Harvard Business Review. Read article
- American Enterprise Institute. "Perspective: Women are more likely to make friends at work than men—here's why that matters." Read article
- NeuroLaunch. "Female Rivalry: The Psychology." Read article
- Sandberg, S., & Grant, A. (2016, June 23). "The myth of the catty woman." The New York Times. Read article
About Dr. Julia Turetskaya
Dr. Julia Turetskaya is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Los Angeles, California. She completed her undergraduate studies at UC Berkeley and earned her doctorate from the University of La Verne, United States. She specializes in working with adult clients presenting with a range of concerns, including depression, anxiety, sleep difficulties, and life transitions. In her free time, she enjoys spending time with family and friends, traveling, and going outside. This article is based on the original clinical perspectives and expertise of Dr. Julia Turetskaya.
Contact & Practice Information:
- Office: 2006 N Sepulveda Blvd #525, Manhattan Beach, CA 90266
- Phone: (310) 817-1874 | Fax: (424) 452-2206
- Website: www.drjuliaspractice.com
- Licensure: Clinical Psychologist PSY 26748 (CA) & PY8960 (FL)
